I totally didn;t expect this entry to turn up like this

Shah has many times expressed his intentions on changing our workplace. He storngly feels that we are not getting equivalent reward for all the effort we're putting in. And I can't strongly stress how much work we're doing especially Shah. Furthermore, based on our (mostly Shah's) chats with colleagues, it takes a long time for a lecturer like us to climb up the academician ladder at the institution we're in now.

I personally have heard all these things and sometimes I do think about what Shah has mentioned. But I am not 100% willing to give up, pack and leave. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to venture far from my comfort zone. Most of the time I'm afraid of the onknown. Currently, I feel quite settled where we are now. I've got my head round the work I need to do and I've become familiar with the place. I know where to go, who to contact/consult and what is the procedure if I need to get a job done. Every thing has now become a daily routine. Plus I've built good working rapport with some of my colleagues especially in my department. Howevever, I am still working on building friendship with my workmates on a more personal level, i.e. not just limited to work.

I have to admit I have some difficulty when it comes to making friends. Acquaitences, I have no problem of making. But friends, hmmm...that I have trouble with. I have been at this place I'm working for more than a year but I have not attached myself to a group of mates and seldom do I go out for lunch with workmates. Even on long Friday lunch hours. I know to most people this is a breeze. I don't know why I am this way. All I know is I want this to change. But I'm a coward. I'm afraid of asking people if I can tag along when they go out in a group for I feel as though I am imposing on them. So I end up keeping mum and stayiong alone in my office. I want to talk more with my workmates in the pantry but I don't know what to say. I think to much. When I'm alone some place and a colleague walks in, I start to have a thought, a topic on what to say and then a voice comes up saying do you really want to bring up that topic coz it's not interesting, it's lame. And I just smile and keep quiet. So how do I expect people to want to talk to me? I myself am not making the effort. This is the most exasperating thing about myself. My trait that I hate most and that I truly want to change but I don't know how. This has been bothering me for ages.

I have to say, this is a first for me. I started this entry wanting to write about whether I should resign and move to another university. But I ended up talking about my biggest difficulty in life, i.e. making friends. Something which I have only divulged to my husband, mum and sister. Finally I've admitted it out here, on my blog for the whole wide world to see (if anyone is looking). I'm not sure what I was hoping to get from blurting this all out. Maybe I am hoping for some pointers from anyone who is reading this on how to overcome this problem of mine. Maybe I just needed to let this out once and for all. But if you do have any tips that I can use, do share them with me. I will truly appreciate it.

P/S: Back to the main topic, Shah has pledged to start a campaign to win me over and make me feel the same way he does about our workplace and thus packup and run far away from our current workplace.

P/P/S: The initial title for this entry was 'Should I Stay or Should I Go'.